Five minutes of everything

Wake up with the warmth of the sun flowing in my veins. Looks like I made it back. After the most tedious journey I was back in my favorite slice of heaven.

All the fears and worries faded away and I couldn’t stop smiling. Feeling nervous like a kid in the first day of school, I stumbled out of the station crushed by the weight from all the luggage.

Found a friendly smile waving hello at me. And so my little world was complete.

Can’t and won’t explain you what makes me so happy there.

Instead I will tell you what I’ve learned these past few days. Growing up is inevitable but not only bad things come from it.

But as I painfully discovered throughout the years, all dreams must come to an end. And so I was dragged back “home” (isn’t home supposed to be where you feel your heart lightest?). Back to the cold, the rain, the emptiness and the disappointment.

I guess I have to hold on to the idea that failure is a step stone towards a better future. I have to remember the faith and confidence I saw in someone else’s eyes to keep focused in a big picture whose edges sometimes seem cloudy to me.

You know what’s the hardest part? All the faith people have is in someone that I don’t recognize as myself for some time now. Better said, the people who believe in me don’t know me, they know this “holograph” image of a nice little girl that I choose to show them. Take my big boss for example. She honestly believed I was happy. And hopefully she’ll believe it again from tomorrow on.
I don’t know who I am. These past months I discovered (or probably just chose to recognize what I’ve known all my life) some big issues about me. Things that will definitely change the way I see the world and how I will lead my life from now on.
So, isn’t everyone wrong about me? Wrong in thinking that I will succeed?

Fortunately there’s a new found light at the end of the tunnel. It seems as though I can reach the Nirvana again in a few days. I have another chance at finding the answers for all the questions that torment my every awaken moment.

But I can’t help feeling intrigued (if not fearful) of this journey. It’s another case of violation of holy ground. Being with you in my sanctuary is taking the risk to lose it. I imagine that from now on I will remember you while I walk those streets, instead of having just my memories of better days. Maybe not… anyway, I need to go back too much to lose this opportunity to a stupid fear.

It feels like these will be 4 very long days…

P.S. Sorry for writing in a foreign language, but it was the only way some of these things made sense in my mind. Please feel free to follow the example and start posting in other languages, if you wish.